So I've been thinking this past week about my mom a lot. It was her birthday on the 7th and I've been trying to write an e-mail or something to her for almost a week now. I'm terrible about this stuff, but it's not for lack of love. I figured I'd make a public post about it though since I'd like to remember my thoughts on her. It's sad to think, but she won't always be around for me. It seems weird to me now, but I know that some day she won't be there. I haven't ever had someone close to me die, and I certainly don't wish for it, but I also know there's nothing I can do to stop it. Having my mom die would be one of the worst possible things that could happen to me.

It's interesting to me that even though I rarely talk to her (or other people aside from Lauren), I still greatly care for my relationships with them and their well being. I do think about people often even if I don't call, write, or talk to them. It's a shitty thing I do, and I need to change or rectify it, but I'm guessing that won't really happen until after I get more stable and don't kill myself at school anymore. I really can't wait until I'm out of here as the schedule is starting to wear on me. Anyway, that's a total aside; I want to get back on topic.

So my mom. I've known people that seem to absolutely hate their moms and it's really sad for me. Having my mom be someone I can talk to, bullshit with, and reveal my deepest feelings with is absolutely essential for how I work as a person. Even if I only do it once every year or so, knowing that I have someone to talk to that will always love me, always be there for me, and always want the best for me is hugely comforting. I'm not always the best person, I don't always do the right things, and I definitely don't always act in the most mature ways, but my mom will always stay by my side. She seems to be my own personal angel sometimes. I'll come home from school for a visit and she'll smother me with her love by asking if I need anything and wanting to help me relax and get the kinks out of my system before I have to go back to school.

It's funny because even though she does all of these nice things for me (or at least tries to), often I'll try to refuse them. I don't know if it's some weird defense mechanism or me just trying to not "take advantage" of my mom, but I tend to do it even when I know I shouldn't. I want you to know, mom, that even when I say no I still very much appreciate the offer.

The way I've grown up has very much been affected by the way she raised me. What I remember most about our times together are the talks that we've had over the years and the time when I tried to get her to have sole custody of me. She tried to shield me from all the horrors of divorce, and although she failed, I love her for trying. I honestly don't think there was a way around that. It was a very tumultuous time for me, and she was always there for me even though she had a crazy work schedule, had to take care of three kids by herself, was going through a divorce, and had to pay all of the bills by herself. It must have been an incredibly hard time for her and I can't even imagine what it was like. I hugely respect that she was able to do it and stay sane throughout the whole thing. I know I would be torn up if Lauren and I broke up, and we've only been together for a hand full of years. It'd be nothing like being married and then splitting up after 15 years.

I try to do the best I can, but I know a lot of the times I don't do as well as I'm capable. Case in point is when I procrastinate as much as I do or don't put in the extra effort when I obviously should. My mom gets on my case and tells me that I should be doing such and such. It annoys me occasionally now, but I know that if she never did it and she ignored what I was doing it would be many times worse than what she does now. Having someone who cares is so very much better than having someone who doesn't care at all.

Anyway, I wrote this all to say I love my mom in a very long mannered way. I hope she likes it :).

Tags: mom
Current Mood: introspective